Saturday, December 05, 2020

Freewrite 12/10/18

Okay, here we are.  Finals week.  Wow that is an intimidating thing to write.  I can’t lie I’m a little bit concerned.  Not gravely concerned (I’m dramatic but I know I’ll be fine).  The problem is that this is my first finals week.  I haven’t done this before, and I’m coming from a high school that is project based.  The transition from high school to college has been a strange one, I can’t lie.  Strange for many reasons.  First, the distance.  Oh my god that was a hard couple of months.  I love to travel and I love to see new places but suddenly being 2000+ miles away from home is a lot.  And I really didn’t think that it would be hard for me!  The months approaching college I just felt SO ready to be on my own, accountable for myself and my own actions but then I come here and for the first month sure things were great but come October it got really hard.  I think one of the hardest parts was that so many people around me could go home if they wanted to.  Take fall break for example, I was one of the only people staying on campus.  I even know people who were able to go all the way back to California but it just didn’t make sense to me for such a short amount of time.  And then there’s the difference in the social environment of high school vs. college.  Muhlenberg isn’t the best party school, that’s not a secret.  But that being said there is always something to do or someone to go see so I really don’t have much of an excuse for staying in my room as much as I did.  Back in LA I didn’t live very close to my friends and I am an only child so I am very used to spending time on my own and I do like it, frankly to some extent I need it.  But I think that this semester I got a bit too stuck in my room.  I didn’t make it to class as often as I should’ve and I really didn’t embrace the campus as much as I could have.  Right now I am writing this in the library and that is a big change from how the semester started because back in October I hadn’t been to the library once, but, I learned that to have better study habits I needed to get out of Brown and find places where I could work by myself but wasn’t necessarily alone.  Otherwise I would spend all day dancing around my room and drinking coffee.  I feel like I have talked a lot about being on my own, but I do have a lot of great and close friends too.  Friends that are both old and new and who I really value.  There has been a bit of a learning curve as I work out how to balance my friends from LA and my friends that I have made here but I think that I have finally started to find it.  

You know what is really hard to find?  The difference between self care and being lazy.  Sure there are some things like going to the gym that are clearly one and not the other but what about taking a mental health day?  Or sleeping in a lot on the weekend when maybe you shouldn’t.  This is something I have thought about a lot this semester as I try to adjust my life to my new environment.  I think that there really isn’t a definitive answer but that the pros of whatever you are doing should outweigh the cons.  I guess that this is just something I will have to keep playing around with until I feel that I have struck a balance.  I’ve got another 3 and a half years to figure it out!  Wow, its kind of crazy to think that I am already at the end of a full semester.  It feels like everything keeps moving faster and faster.  Sure the days seem long sometimes but the time is really flying.  I feel a little like I am not doing enough right now, but also I know that I am taking a heavy course load and I am still finding my feet on campus.  I am finding more and more often that there is a fine line between self preservation and playing it too safe.  I am trying more and more to take risks and lean into discomfort and I think that I am getting better at it but I guess we will see in time.  Overall I’ve learned a lot this semester and I’ve seen myself change a lot too.  Yes there are core parts of me that are the same and I anticipate will always be the same but its kind of exciting seeing myself grow into the new roles that I have found as a young adult and college student.  I’m excited for next semester, and next year, and the next ten years after that.  There is a lot for me here and I can see that, more and more so everyday.

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